Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Battle of Me.

I feel like I’m fighting a battle within myself.  Which is pretty much exactly the opposite of fun.

There is one side of me that is independent and ready to get out and do things in the world of performing arts.  Somewhere other than where I currently live.  It’s the part of me that deals with the fact that I have to go to school and the part of me that has been making sure pretty much everything is set for school.  It’s the part of me that wants to be a singer.

The other side of me is done with all of that.  The other part of me is the accountant.  It’s the side that’s ready to have a family.  It’s the part of me that wants to kiss my husband and my baby every night before bed and every morning when I wake up. 

It’s the side I thought I didn’t have.  And, to be honest, it’s taking over.

But I’m still caught between the two.

If I don’t finish my performance degree soon-ish, I feel like I’ll lose any miniscule chance I might have had to do something great.  I have a great scholarship and a bunch of grants and other financial aid that is making at least the next two years of school practically free to me.  The only loan I currently have for school is a small one just to make sure my living expenses are covered.  Like, I have more left to pay on my car (which I’ve been paying off for 3.5 years already) than this amount.

I have an ideal living situation already set up with roommates I generally adore in a place I actually would even feel comfortable living alone (which says a lot). 

I will never get an opportunity like this again.

I know this and I’m not about to let it slip through my fingers.

So, what the fuck is wrong with my biological clock?  It's like a police raid on the party of my hopes and dreams.

Twenty-four is in no way old.  I only just now feel like I’m an adult.  And maybe that’s a big part of my problem.

A year ago I wasn’t really positive I ever wanted kids.  Two years ago I thought I didn’t.  Three years ago I practically had one and only wanted kids if I was going to have them with one specific person.  But I was still a kid myself in a lot of ways and not at all prepared to have my own baby.

Not that I am now or will ever really be. 

That doesn’t change the fact that in the last three months I have come to realize I really want them.

I want to be a big round pregnant woman with a man who loves me so much he is willing to rub my feet and help me put cocoa butter on my stretch marks and drive to the store at 2:30 AM because I desperately need mint gelato.

By "loves me" I mean "loves me and fears my hormones."

I want a baby that is a tiny reflection of our combined faces. 

At what point did my dreams and wants for my future become so…  Normal? 

At what point did they become about something other than me?

By the way, Patty, I still haven't forgotten about the tattoo post, but I want a good picture of each to put up for the explanation and I don't have the photos yet.  I'm hoping this week.


  1. I feel the same way, Katie. I'm glad you expressed this concern. I was beginning to think I was the only one... :-/ heh

    Keep following your intuition. You may regret never having at least TRIED to follow your dreams. If you wind up following your dreams, but meet someone along the way, then you can say you did what you wanted to do. It's not really over at that point anyway though. It'll just be different.

  2. It's more that I know I need a degree to be able to get into a certain pay-grade bracket. The problem is that I feel like my dreams are changing. If I had gone to San Jose like I intended at 18, then I without a doubt would have been pursuing music as a career. But now I have doubts about it. It's not that I don't love it. It's that I don't know if I want to devote my life to it anymore. So I go back and forth between that and accounting. I figure, though, that I got a scholarship for music, so I might as well try to major in it.

  3. I understand this all so well. We haven't "known" each other very long, but I have written a lot about my struggles to find my purpose (finally deciding on teaching only 2 years ago), and my troubles getting pregnant. My husband and I tried and tried, only to realize I can't. And now? Thank GAWD we didn't succeed, because my feelings on the topic have changed SO much. It's amazing how much my brain seems to have matured from 20 to 23, you know? I mean that seriously. I look back at being 20 and kind of want to throw up at how ridiculous I was.

    So I guess what I was getting at was, I understand. It's fucking hard to choose what you want a degree in, and what you want to do for a career. Good luck dear.

  4. I think it's you maturing, realizing you want to want to be part of something bigger than just your personal desires. But it doesn't have to begin and end with children. It doesn't mean you have to find someone suddenly to settle down with, nor that you never will be able to. Make your schooling your baby, your voice the lovely infant you are constantly encouraging to grow. Make your pretty new house your place to settle in. Go into mommy mode over Rafael. :P Dress him in diapers and make him cry...and please, please take pictures. >:} But seriously, I've been feeling kind of house-wifey, but I know I don't want to have children or be a not-breadwinner, so my cats are my babies. :)

  5. Try feeling those things at 26 after having tried to follow your career dream and having failed miserably because of a bajillion factors. It is just as confusing and slightly more depressing because you are older.

    My personal thought is that it's good to question things you want in life. If you follow one road blindly, you are more likely to be disoriented when other options present themselves. The fact that you want children when you never did before is possibly a simple indicator that you realize you could, in fact, handle having children and being a mother, when before you maybe didn't think you had it in you. That's my situation, at least.

    Also, having a partner willing to fear your hormones is delightful. I'm a little sad that I wasn't more of a crazy pregnant woman, because I know he would have appeased me.

    Oh, and one last thing. Don't ever settle on a job just because it pays the bills unless you absolutely have to. You will regret it and probably be slightly miserable. Pursue your dreams while you have nothing standing in your way and I promise it'll be the smartest decision you could make.

  6. @Patty-- I'm glad I knew I wasn't ready for kids at 20 because I would have at least one by now. 20 is a hugely transitional age. I feel like it's not fair that I can't be one of those people who just always knows what they want and how to get it. The fact that I'm not "perfect" is incredibly frustrating to me. Also, music is a really hard major and I think that frightens me more than the fact that I might not be able to make money with it. On the upside, the school and state/government are paying for most of it. So that makes me feel a little better about it.

    @Tiffany-- If I have to go into mommy mode over him all the time I will start to resent him because he is an adult and I shouldn't have to take care of him. I don't want that to happen because I really enjoy our friendship, so my plan is to try and not do that as much as possible lol. I've had a cat for three years. I've had a dog for over a year. I kind of want a rabbit, but I think Thomas will freak out. I'm not even sure how well it would go over if I needed to bring my cat. I'm not craving pets or something to take care of, necessarily, thought I could quite easily see myself making the full transition to crazy cat lady. It's that I'm craving a family of my own. I just know there are steps I have to take before I can get there. Experiences I need to have. So that's what I'm doing while I wait for Prince Charming to appear on his white horse and try to whisk me away. Hopefully he's not too late/

    Lizzie--I think that realization is a big part of it. There's also this weird thing that I was discussing with Adam last night where I think about where my parents were in their life when they were my age. I'm not much younger than my mom was when they met, and I'm only a couple years younger than she was when my brother was born. So I think that's making my biological clock say that I'm behind.
    The accountant thing is actually not settling. Both times I've worked in accounting I've loved it. I pretty much adore my current job. That's why it's so hard to choose. I like them both. And when I don't perform for long periods of time it's easy for me to forget how much I love it and just slip into being the accountant. I'm hoping I'll love being a music major like I love counting money.
    I think instead of making you crazy your hormones just made you sick. You obviously got the short end of the stick this time. I would think crazy is preferable to throwing up, especially when you have someone to cater to you.