Friday, July 15, 2011

As if You Needed Proof that I'm an Asshole.

I was thinking about assumptions during my drive to work this morning. 

This young guy (I love how I say that like I’m old) drove past me.  I looked up at him and automatically assumed something about him.  He was a douchebag.

Generally I don’t hold anything against people until I know them because I know what it’s like to be judged by your appearance.  But I thought I'd list a few of the assumptions I make about people who I have no chance in meeting.

Now you’re going to know what a terrible person I am.

I assume…

A dude wearing big white sunglasses: douchebag.

A dude driving a giant-ass truck: douchebag with a small penis.

Guys whose vehicle has testicles hanging below the trailer hitch: super douchebags.

Guys who drive a giant-ass truck with testicles hanging below the trailer hitch: homophobic double douchebags with miniscule penises.

Guys wearing Tapout merchandise: douchebags.

Guys wearing Tapout merchandise with big white sunglasses: double douchebags.

Guys with tattoos: cool.

Guys with ICP tattoos: stupid douchebags.

Girls who are skinnier than me: stupider than I am.

Girls who drive expensive vehicles: boyfriend/dad must be old and rich.

Girls with straight, fake blonde hair: stupid whores.

Girls who wear giant sunglasses (especially white): whores.

Girls who wear Tapout merchandise: have a boyfriend who is a douchebag. 

Girls who wear Tapout merchandise and giant (white) sunglasses: whores with douchebag boyfriends…  Or a pack of men she fucks on occasion.  Who are douchebags.

Girls wearing low-cut shirts and tight pants/shorty-shorts: whores (I feel like this one's a given).

Girls younger than me with kids in the mall: bad parents/stupid whores.  (Note that I usually only think this if their child is running around a store pretending to fly or something.)

Really skinny women older than me: meth addicts.

People with COEXIST stickers on their cars: probably pretty cool.

People with Clinton stickers on their cars: probably like oral sex/pornography.  A lot.  Also, old.

People with a shit-ton of stickers on their cars: idiots.

People who don’t park well: inconsiderate idiots.

People driving slower than I want to: old.

People with those stickers that represent each member of their family on the back window of their vehicle: troubled home-life.

People with damage on their vehicle (big dents, missing bumpers): bad drivers.

You get the picture.

I probably shouldn’t be allowed in public.  Especially the mall.  Ever again.


  1. Haha! Wow I never realized how much our thought patterns were the same when it came to assumptions. :)

  2. When people have those stickers that represent the whole family, I sometimes imagine it's just the father driving, having murdered everyone else, leaving himself with only their perfect sticker counterparts....

    ....Also, he's a douchebag.

  3. I make a lot of those assumptions, too. Let me add some:

    Guys wearing Ed Hardy stuff: tools
    Girls wearing Ed Hardy stuff: trying to impress someone, i.e. idiots

    Girls with feathers in their hair: trying too hard
    Girls with pants that have stuff written on the butt: attention whores

  4. @Paul-- I like that assumption.

    @Patty-- I meant to include the Ed Hardy tools! But I started thinking about it, then started thinking about people with koi fish tattoos and ended up on ICP tattoos. I've always wondered about the women who wear the Victoria's Secret sweats. If my ass isn't sexy, you're lack of ass certainly shouldn't be labeled that way.

  5. This makes me really happy. Except that I wear giant sunglasses and recently purchased a white pair. They reminded me of Kanye West which reminded me of the South Park gay fish episode and I couldn't help myself.

  6. I'm think you fit into a loophole. I would say that it's just too hard to look at a pregnant lady and call her a whore in my head, but I'm pretty sure it's just because you're awesome. Some pregnant ladies are, in fact, whores.

  7. I am a little afraid of the number of things you think about while you are "driving." :)

    "I probably shouldn’t be allowed in public. Especially the mall. Ever again." That's a pretty bold statement for someone who's never actually gone out of their way to be a public asshole. Sounds like you're already head and shoulders above the ACTUAL assholes that roam this world and key cars, steal mailboxes, spray paint, kill animals, etc. Everyone (OK, most people) think these things from time to time. Just remember, Katie: It's not actually being an asshole until you act on it.

  8. If I don't multitask I'm more likely to crash. Multitask like listen to music and/or think. Not do my mascara or anything.

    Also, you haven't seen me in the mall during Christmas season when all the toddlers are running everywhere with those squeaky shoes and their parents are doing NOTHING.