Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Food for Thought. And Also Some Stuff About Drugs.

Fun fact about me: I love stand up comedy.

I'm glad that Yoshi and my roommate enjoy it, as well, because I used to watch it by myself when no one else was home and I appreciate that I can share it with them now instead of holing up in my room like an addict waiting for everyone else to disappear so they can shoot up and watch some internet porn.

Actually, I don't know if that would be a normal thing for an addict to do.

Everything I know about cocaine I learned from Pulp Fiction, Scarface, and a story someone told me about Mexico once.

I saw a heroine addict once outside an Oakland A's baseball game (which I'm glad my dad also remembers and brought up last year because I was starting to think maybe that didn't happen) and he just wanted people to give him their $20 instead of buying a hot dog.  I was also pretty sure that if he touched me or coughed/sneezed in my general direction my skin would melt off, though, so I let my dad walk on that side.

Not because I was younger and figured it was better than the older member of the herd had less skin than me, but because my dad is from the bay area and also a badass, so I thought if the homeless heroine guy coughed on him my dad would Chuck Norris that shit and the air the guy breathed toward him would bounce off his skin and change into some kind of Native American knockout gas.  Or, like, regular air.

I don't think my dad knows this (which makes sense because I was always kind of a huge asshole to him), but for most of my life I was pretty sure he was some kind of magician or superhero.  Freewayman, the truck driving magician who could fix anything, make awesome food, and also made almost everything possible for his little girl.

But that's another post.

I know stuff about meth addicts and alcoholics, but that's because I grew up in Shasta County and I know what it means when someone looks a little tweaky and has no teeth.

I have a lot of guy friends, though, so I do know what someone who is hiding internet porn looks like.

Anyway, so I've been watching this Iliza Schlesinger special and it is amazing.

It's on Netflix.  If you like stand-up you should watch it.  Especially if you are a woman.

There is a section on things women do while drinking and on dates.  And one of the bits is about how women don't really eat on dates until they're actually in a relationship.  Which I know must be a thing because of how often it's referenced in popular culture, but I don't understand it because I've never done that.

Granted, I'm not the smallest person right now.  But even when I was much skinnier I don't remember going on a date with a guy and getting a salad just because I didn't want him to see me eat or because I thought he'd think I was disgusting if I actually consumed food.

I always figured that I like to eat and if a guy doesn't like it when a girl eats he should probably go to Macy's and date one of the mannequins there that looks like a prepubescent teenage boy with blue hair.

Even super skinny girls have to eat more than a stick of gum in a day and if you're willing to invite me to come to a restaurant with you where you will buy me whatever I want to eat, then I am getting more than a side salad and water.

The only reason I don't order steak is that I don't like steak.  But if you're buying my dinner and I want to eat chicken for three days I will order a whole chicken and you will pay for it.

I don't do this anymore, but it's only because with my boyfriend it's more like I'm spending "our" money so I feel bad if I order a $26 dinner.  I don't want to buy that for myself when I can make it at home for less.

Anyway, the moral of this post is that girls should eat on dates if they're not.  Hypoglycemia leads to crankiness and trying to bring up your blood sugar with the drop of cranberry juice in a cosmo could be more embarrassing/destructive than him seeing you with pepper in your teeth.

Also, if you fill up on chicken instead of liquor you won't accidentally have sloppy mistake drunk sex with your date and potentially get pregnant.

Eat on dates so you don't get pregnant, ladies.


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