I'm Okay. No, Really.

Today is better.  

No, really.  It is.

Well, kinda.  I've managed to tuck away most of my feelings again.  (Don't tell me that's bad for me because I can't function any other way.)  It's just how I operate.  I keep everything nice and put away until something triggers an explosion of emotion.  Then I freak out for a while.  Then I'm fine again.

Actually, I think most everyone in my family is like that.

It may not be healthy, but it's just how we are.

I'm just scared because I can't have my typical level of control over a situation.  I like to have some semblance of control over everything.  Right now I have control over nothing.

I think it wouldn't be so hard if I was still speaking to the person who used to talk me down from emotional and anxiety-ridden mountaintop.

It's funny how you don't realize you actually miss someone until you remember the things they did for you that no one else can do in quite the same way.  Even if it wasn't worth the pain they caused you.  It's still hard.  And forgiveness takes so much longer than I thought it would.

It's funny how ultimate forgiveness seems to hurt as much as leaving in the first place.


On a happier note, I am going to see The Green Lantern tonight.

I love comic book movies, but this is one of the few for which I really don't care about plot or dialog.

Why, you may ask?

Well, dear reader, that is because I will be watching nearly three hours of Ryan Reynolds floating around in a green CGI suit.

I'm going to need popcorn and candy just to give my mouth something to do other than drool.

Pillow Talk

You know what’s really not fair?

Some people can get away with three or four hours of sleep each night.  Some people can get seven hours of sleep in three days and be like, “eh, I’m kinda tired, but I’ll be fine.”

This is bullshit.

I get six hours of sleep in one night and I’m falling asleep at my desk.

Four hours and I get head and neck aches.

Less than four hours and I might as well be dead. 

Somewhere between 7.5 and 8.5 hours per night seems to be perfect.  I feel this is really unfair.  Because I frequently have much better things to do than sleep. 

Like bake four dozen more cookies.  Or read a book.  Or do my homework, for once.  Or play with Stumbleupon.

I’m trying to be realistic, here.

But, alas, no.

At least eight hours of bullshit sleep needed per night.

Don’t take this the wrong way.  I LOVE sleep.  We have been involved in a blissfully torrid affair for the last 24 years or so.  Each night I wait until sweet sleep comes to embrace me with its loving caress and hold me till the morning, which always comes too quickly.  Sometimes we fight, because sleep can be a dick and let me wake up in the middle of a perfectly good sex dream or doesn’t let me wake up soon enough when a murderous zombie is chasing me through the creepy-ass Midway of Fun (in the Carnival of Rape).  Or sleep will let me dream about my own personal Mr. Big and wake up to cry for, you know, the rest of the day.

For the most part, we get along, though.  Usually I sleep too deeply to remember having those dreams.  And it’s probably not fair to blame sleep for the zombiefied projections of my subconscious anyway.

I really need to get some sleep.

I was going to last night, but I baked cookies instead. 

I can’t say I feel I made the wrong choice.  They were tasty.

I can say that I feel like my eyeballs are crispy today and I wish I had laced a batch with coke so I could make it through class tonight.  But I don’t do coke and don’t find it to be easily accessible while I’m baking.   Or most other times, for that matter.  I mean, I guess if I really needed some I could acquire it, but I’ve never been quite that desperate.

I don’t even like energy drinks.

So, tonight is the night. 

Sleep and me.  Alone time.  And dearest sleep, please bring me some really good dreams. 

Seriously.

With Ryan Reynolds in them.  Naked and mixing me a mai tai on a tropical beach.  Or something.  I mean, it's really ultimately at your discretion.  I'm just throwing out awesome ideas here.  And by "throwing out" I really mean "pick this one or I will kill you".

Then make my dream real life.  And take a short vacation.