I feel like I'm close to having a slight mental breakdown.
My mom asked me today if I'm starting to feel burnt out or run down.
I tried to explain a little without actually telling her I can barely hold myself together right now.
The funny thing is that I feel more like myself than I have in a very, very long time. I feel fairly comfortable in my skin. And my mind. After I really started analyzing myself and trying to work to become my true self again I felt just very slightly off, even on my most amazing and happy days.
Lately, I no longer feel that way.
Maybe it's because I've finally accepted that alcohol is not directly what hurt me in the past and it will not hurt me in the future. It was the person misusing the alcohol and, as he is no longer in my life, there is nothing wrong with having a cosmopolitan on Easter. Especially if it helps get me through the more stressful stages of my social anxiety.
I've also started to be honest with my close friends and myself about something I had never talked about before. I think that's really helped. Now I don't feel as if there are two parts of me that don't overlap exactly right. I feel like all my edges fit together.
Which is great. Because I am realizing how awesome I am. I'm totally fun. As long as I can mellow out a little. At least, I think I'm fun. If you don't think I am, don't tell me. I'm the one who has to hang out with me all the time and I crack myself up.
Despite feeling like I am finally truly being myself, I am crazy stressed out right now.
I feel like I'm burying myself in homework and never taking the time to do it. I can't get to bed on time, so I'm constantly super tired. And, to top of the stress and lack of sleep I'm already dealing with, I have PMS this week. It's my first period on a new birth control pill. One that I took when I was 20, but not since and I'm apparently reacting very differently to it now than I did then.
The worst part is I've been gassy and bloated for at least a week. It's uncomfortable.
It makes me not want to get pregnant.
Ever.
That, and I like my vagina and breasts the way they are now. All mostly firm and tight. Not ripped and stretched by miniature life forms and the nutrients that feed them.
Maybe I just need a nap.
Naps are good.
When I started reading this I thought it would be about contacts. I have to say, I love the way your topics veer in other directions, it reminds me of when we used to talk at work.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear your pill is making you feel out of sorts. Are you supposed to wait it out and hope it gets better or can you go in and change the type?
And you are, incredibly, undoubtedly, fun. I still talk about you sometime to people even though we only even got the chance to -start- to become awesome friends before I moved. Your writing is so entertaining and yet completely real at the same time. You, Katie, are most certainly on my 'Favorite People' list and I assume you must be on many others as well!
Thanks, Cheryl! I actually still talk about you, too. And you are most definitely one of my favorite people. I miss you!
ReplyDeleteIt's mostly just because it's the first month. Typically, doctors don't like to change a pill until you've been on it for at least three months. The only time I've ever forced them to change me within the first month or two was during one of the pills I was put on while I was working at Payless. I spent three weeks feeling like I was constantly ready to barf. So I stopped taking it. This isn't that bad in comparison.
It kind of relates to the nap thing at the end. I fell asleep way before I was able to post this blog, slept with my contacts in, and almost missed class. It was slightly less than awesome.