Gush-fest.

It's funny how sometimes you can meet someone completely by chance and from the moment you are introduced you know your life will never be the same. 

Yoshi was like that for me.  It's why I tried so hard to avoid him after I first met him.  It's why I pushed him away so hard a year ago.  It's why I fell in love with him so hard and so fast.

He's the first person I've ever been with who I've felt loves me as completely as I love him.  He makes me a better person.  I have a really hard time not telling him things.  And every time we have a disagreement it breaks my heart.  Luckily that doesn't happen very often. 

I sang in two concerts this weekend and he came to the one on Sunday, which was at a smaller venue.  I was able to look into the audience and see him watching me.  It's the first time I've been in the middle of a performance, looked at my boyfriend in the audience, and had my heart skip a beat because just seeing him there, supporting me, was like a jolt. 

Maybe I'm just super sappy and emotional lately.  But I think that's just because I'm happy. 

Also, my nephew was born last week.  I can't wait to meet him!  I won't be able to visit until Easter, but when I do I am stealing that baby.  He's pretty much the cutest thing ever. 

For the first time, I can really truly see myself having kids.  Before I wanted the idea of kids and it was something that I talked about with my ex, but I think I was always faking a little for him because he wanted more children so badly.  Now I'm genuinely excited.  Which makes my parents really happy, I'm sure.  Well, my mom.  My dad wants more grandkids, but I think he wants them without me actually being married to some guy who will steal me away from him.  Which isn't at all what will happen, though I'm sure that's what it feels like.  He seems fairly cool with Yoshi.  Pretty much everyone is.  Even Churro, who thought he was mildly annoying at first, is okay with him now because he can see how much he loves me.

I'm a lucky girl, to have all these people who care about me.


In other news, my neighbors got a puppy.  They leave their windows open.  It has separation anxiety.  It kind of sounds like a cross between a goat and a screaming child.  It makes me crazy and scares the crap out of me.  So, that's awesome.

Debilitating Sickness.

I still am not positive why I was feeling the way I was when I wrote that last blog.  I think I just won't be satisfied until I'm done being a music major and done with school, period.  Also, I felt like I'd barely seen Yoshi since before I went home for Christmas break.

Things have been a little better.

One of my very dear friends gave her junior recital almost two weeks ago and Yoshi and I had a long talk about how we need to spend more quality time together.  That night/early the next morning one of my roommates came down with the stomach flu.  The other roommate came down with it the following afternoon.

That night, while I was standing in my backyard crying, I decided to go stay at a friend's.  Yoshi packed me a bag while I told him what to put in it from the car and we went over at about midnight.  My friend, Canada, got sick around 3:30 that morning and I followed six hours later.

At that point I was afraid to leave her house.  Since we made pretty compatible sick buddies (both pretty germophobic and fastidious), it worked out in a way.

Yoshi got sick the next day, so we ended up spending three nights on her couch before finally coming home.  When we finally did come home, we were all a little sad.  I miss that time with her.

It's hard to forge a bond stronger than that virus.  It was one of the worst things ever.  Now the three of us have a bond that cannot be broken.  While having the flu was pretty much the worst thing ever, I have to say that it strengthened a good friendship and really made an impact for the better on my relationship.  Also, spending Valentine's day watching Kill Bill with those two was pretty much the best thing.

Saturday Yoshi and I journeyed to Santa Cruz to see Oose perform burlesque for the first time.  This also afforded me the opportunity to meet the guy she's been seeing and introduce Yoshi to her family, an important milestone.  The last person I was dating that I took to meet them was Sterling and, to put it simply, it didn't go well.  Oose's mom took me aside before we left and told me that I looked terribly unhappy and that Sterling wasn't good for me.  That trip was so epically bad that I was nervous on the way over this time.

I had no reason to be.

Yoshi is comfortable with pretty much everyone.  He talked with her dad about painting, chilled with her brother talking about marine bio shit, and couldn't leave their dog alone.  Every time her mom saw him she would remark at how cute he was.  She told me she was glad to see me so happy.

I almost didn't realize how happy I was.  Then she pointed it out and I remembered so many details of that trip with Sterling that I don't like to think about.  I'm lucky.  Lucky I got out.  Lucky I finally said goodbye.  Lucky I had the courage (and the support from Oose) to help me open my heart up to the man of my dreams.

I've realized that no matter how much I think talking to him won't help, it will fix everything.  He would do anything for me.  But he won't let me go.  And he won't hurt me.  He is my puzzle piece.

I was happy to see Oose with someone who makes her laugh the way Yoshi does me.  I really hope they are able to work out their kinks and just be happy with each other.  I want to see her finally be happy with someone.  She deserves it.  We both do.  

Also, I caught a cold over the weekend. So I've basically just been sick for two weeks.  Sigh.  Hopefully it improves soon.

Where to Go From Here.

I can't pinpoint the source of my current state of generalized anxiety and sort of down-ness.

It's either my off-kilter schedule so far this semester, my depression over being a music major, or Yoshi and my need for him to grow up.  It's the one thing about our relationship that I really ever doubt.  And the amount of contact I've had with him for the last six weeks are sort of discouraging.

I am to the point where I almost need to tell him I have to break it off until he has lived on his own for a while and we can see if it will work then.  But every time I think I'm going to have to talk to him about it, we have a long talk and resolve all of the other issues I'm having and it doesn't seem that bad anymore.

It just keeps coming back.  I don't know how long I can take this.  I love him very much, obviously.  I think that's why it breaks my heart so much.

He's still young.  I know he cares about me, but there are experiences he needs to have that I don't want to take away from him.  I don't want to hold him back or control or change him.  But I need more than what he's really able to offer me and that's not a fair situation for either of us.


I miss being the person I was when I was just working and taking a night class at a time.  I hate being a full-time student.  I hate being this person who complains and isn't funny or interesting on my blog.  I just start typing and all these negative things flood out because I'm really not dealing with them at all.

I really think it's best at this point for me to do what I haven't been doing enough for...  Forever, I guess.  Just ignore everything except school and work.  When I have time to spare I'll spend it with friends.  But there's no reason for me to waste as much time and energy as I have in the last few months on something or someone that's not going to be able to do the same back.

And it's really fine that he's busy.  I want him to be successful in all of his endeavors.  But I can't be something that falls by the wayside because I love him and obviously that's going to keep me going until he is able to spend time with me again.  Whenever that may be.

In all honesty, if I could turn the calendar back two or three years, I would.  I would be perfectly content to sit in my office wearing my favorite shoes and my favorite jeans, drinking tea with my morning toast and doing the one thing I've ever felt competent doing.  Instead I'm stuck in school, poor as fuck, with a major that I dislike and a major I won't get to start until the fall.  And somehow I've traded Sterling for someone who loves me at least as much but hardly devotes any of his time to our relationship, instead of devoting way too much of his time to our relationship.

I don't know what to do.

Christmas Miracles Do Happen.

This year was definitely one of my favorite Christmases so far.  My loving boyfriend, Yoshi, surprised me by conspiring with my family and coming up from Modesto to be with us.  He showed up about 9:30 PM on Christmas Eve and I was so shocked I couldn't even move when he came in the door.

I love that he loves doing things like that; things that surprise me and catch me completely off-guard.

My dad made breakfast-in-bed for Yoshi, my mom, and me on Christmas morning.  Then we got up and put together the foil Angry Birds Puzzle that my family gave him for Christmas.  It was only like 100 pieces, but foil puzzles are freaking hard!  We had to change the lights in the room so that they were dim enough for me to be able to differentiate colors in the puzzle.  Not that I was the only one working on the puzzle.  Yoshi did like five pieces.

My parents gave me some really comfy pajama bottoms for Christmas, so I wore them all day.  It was wonderful.

Coyote came over for dinner, which was great because I never get to see her anymore.  And we did another puzzle (this time a Thomas Kinkade painting of a lighthouse; Thomas Kinkade, painter of yellow) while Yoshi and my brother played a racing game and tried to fix the heater in my car.  Yoshi and my dad actually got it working (I have to have a part replaced for it to completely work right) the next day while I was at the office.

So, I got to see one of my oldest best friends, one of my most favorite people in the world came to see me, and I got to be with my family.  Who could ask for more than that?

Oh, and also...





My Christmas present from Yoshi.  Yes, it's from Disneyland.  There's a long story and a lot of meaning behind it.  But this is my promise ring from one of the two people who most complete me in this world-- and I've been wearing a ring from Oose for a while now.

Sometimes I am struck by how completely lucky I am.

I thought I had experienced love before, and it really was love, but it was nothing compared to this.  I think when you find the person you are really meant to be with everything just clicks and you just know.  That's how it's been with Yoshi.  Even when we first met it was as though being around him made everything else in the world make sense and I was just at-ease with it.

We both had to get over fear of intimacy that was left over from past relationships, as well as other random fears that probably stemmed from those unhealthy relationships.  When I let go of everything else and allowed him into my heart, it was as though my heart became so full it was bursting at the seams.  I think that's how it was for both of us.

He carries me when I can't carry myself and I do the same for him.  Mostly, though, we just walk beside each other as equals.  That's the way it should be.

Baby, It's Cold Outside.

This morning I was thinking about the differences between my parents' house and mine.  I love not living with them but being able to come visit them and stay with them.  And I miss them a lot.  I wish I was closer.

Anyway, differences.  None are necessarily bad or good; these are mostly just observations.

For instance, my parents have a woodstove and a furnace.  We just have a furnace.  Our thermostat is set at 65 (which I'm pretty sure drives Toad crazy).  My dad gets cold, so my parents' house is more like 70 degrees or higher (which is funny because I freeze at their house in the summer; it's like he has to feel the opposite of the weather outside while indoors).  Last night I had to turn the heater off and sleep without my comforter to be comfortable.  Granted, I was in flannel pajamas, but it's been really cold outside here and I thought I could get away with wearing them.  Apparently not.

My house has a fair amount of cat hair because I have two cats and Hunter hasn't been shaved since August, so he's all fluffy and pretty.  My parents' house only has a little cat hair now because they have one indoor/outdoor cat and one cat that is outdoor only.  However, since my dog became their dog when I left for school, there is Lab hair everywhere.  Even when he's not shedding that badly.  I wouldn't have noticed if I hadn't been wearing black socks the day I got here.  And if it wasn't all up in my yarn all the time.  I constantly have to pick it out of my projects.  I guess I could just make a bunch of doggie sweaters.  Then I wouldn't have to pick it out.  But he's so cute I can't really say this is a negative thing.

My house has insane water pressure and tons of hot water because we had our hot water heater replaced last year.  My parents' house has medium water pressure and medium hot water.  They also have hard water, so after being home for one day my hands were insanely winter-dry.

My parents have a gigantic tv with satellite and a blue-ray player.  At my house I have a laptop.  My internet is probably twice as fast, so it's easier to watch movies on my laptop than it is here anyway, but having the giant tv is so convenient when I'm doing crafty things.  I feel like I have to pay more attention or I lose more details on my laptop.

I feel as though I have difficulty finding things to eat at my parents' house because they don't really keep a lot of food around anymore.  Or maybe it's just not food that I like or is easy to make.  I stock foods I use and they stock foods they use.  Therefore I end up eating a lot of crap when I come home to visit for more than a day.  Delicious, salty, sugary crap.

I think after I finish with my undergraduate degrees I would like to try to find a job somewhere that I can be a two-ish hour drive from them.  I miss them and and a four-plus hour drive isn't always possible, but a two hour drive I could manage more easily.  I also want them to be able to see their grandkids often.  We'll see how that works out.

Overall, I'm really happy to be home for winter break.  I think I'm having the opposite reaction of most people when they go away to school.  I was very un-homesick at first and the longer I'm away the harder it is on me.